Jacob |
Jacob: patriarch of the Hebrews. Bought out his brother for a bowl of soup. Wrestled with an angel. Mummy.
It's true! According to Genesis 50:1-2, Jacob (aka Israel) died while in Egypt. So his son, Joseph, vice-regent of Egypt, had him embalmed as was customary for any V.I.P.: mummification.
MUMMY STATS! Died: 1684 BCE. Sepulchre: Canaan. Curses? None noted.
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"Mr. Big Tough Man, always trying to get free drinks off that 'I wrestled an angel' story. Real smart, Jake, trying to beat up on an ominpotent deity. What, did you think The People's Elbow would work on him? I whipped his ass at backgammon on more than one occasion. Loses points for not being buried in Egypt, but gets extra credit for that coat of many colors he gave his son. Homeboy looked like a pimp." |
Eva Peròn |
This "patron saint of the poor" was so beautiful and beloved that, upon her untimely death, her husband Juan arranged for her to become an eerily lifelike wax process mummy. Shady dealings in the overthrow of the Peronista regime caused her mummy to fall into foreign hands before being recently returned to Argentina.
MUMMY STATS! Died: 1952. Sepulchre: Argentina. Curses? Possible (Mysterious return to Argentina after theft).
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"What a fox! She can come by my sarcophagus any day, if you know what I mean. Plus she probably carries a terrible curse. That's so hot.
"Hey, have you noticed that both of this week's mummies are also in Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals? Plus he's obviously got a thing for cats... This goes beyond mere coincidence--I suspect that Andrew Lloyd Weber may be a mummy! A big, fruity mummy... no, not like the cereal." |
